Live from Japan!

If you would have asked me how I felt on Tuesday morning (Monday we didn’t work, it was a national holiday) I would have told you that I was totally, completely filled with dread. There have only been a handful of times in my life when I have felt this way and Tuesday morning was definitely one of them. As Aaron and I ate breakfast that morning, I looked at him and with big deer-in-the-headlights eyes and said, “This week is almost over, right?” As much as he wanted to humor me, he simply couldn’t. “No, in fact, it hasn’t even started yet.”

The reason I was so filled with dread and anxiety was because I was signed up to spend the first three days of the week at the handicapped school in Gifu. Remember that experience from last month??? Believe me, I sure do. So, it didn’t surprise me that I wasn’t really excited about it. But, I was a little surprised at the fact that I thought I was going to have to be dragged there with my heels dug into the ground.

I tried to think of every way to get out of it, but I couldn’t think of anything clever (or reasonable). I knew that I just had to go.

I packed up my bag, put on my warm biking clothes, and set off on my way. It took me about 35 minutes to get there and the entire time I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t going to be that bad. It was impossible for it to be any worse than last time. Impossible! I reminded myself about all the kind comments and helpful advice I had received last time (Thanks Mom, Virginia, Ben and Alycia) and kept repeating their advice in my head.

One particular piece of advice really carried me through. In an email Ben told me:

The point that is probably going to sound strange is that the same quality that made you so nervous is the quality that will let you handle the situation. Your sensitivity is what makes you concerned about how to touch the kids, how to interact, and how to respond. But that sensitivity is what will let you do whatever you need to when is comes to teaching them.

This really made sense and was very comforting as I tried to decide what I would do, how I would behave. Eventually on that bike ride I decided that I would do all that I could and nothing more. I would not apologize for my comfort level. Nor would I apologize for my need to get acclimated. Ultimately, I decided that I would not apologize for being me. The teachers there, of all the people in the world, would understand that each person has special needs and I am certainly no exception.

I walked into the school with my head held high, ready to do what needed to be done, both for the students and myself. And, guess what?!

It worked. Once I stopped being nervous and afraid about being me, I was able to do my best work. As soon as I came to terms with the situation and the way that I wanted to interact with the children, we were all more at ease. I think that last time went so horribly, in part, because I was trying to be someone that I wasn’t. I was trying to behave in precisely the way that the teachers there were, not in the way that made me comfortable. As a result, my interactions were forced and strained, making it easy for me to appear “cold.”

It was still difficult to be there. It was sad to see the children and all their different disabilities. It is so hard for me to imagine being a parent of a severely handicapped child. Parenting a “normal” child is probably the world’s most difficult job, and I can only imagine that it is even more difficult to parent a child with special needs. I commend the parents and the teachers there for doing all that they do each and every day.

It still wasn’t my favorite three days in the world. I am very excited to return to Gifu Kita tomorrow, there is something so comfortable and easy about being there and I can’t wait. But I am really glad that I had a better time at the handicapped school this week. And, as Aaron so kindly put it in a text message to me earlier this week, “at least you didn’t have to wear a rabbit suit. :-)”